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A tongue in cheek look at Lockdown - or is that Lickdown?

Couch and Carbs

This is the phase of flop on the couch and eat yourself silly. What a pleasure to be told to stay at home and vegetate guilt free. The world is ending as we know it and we might as well go out as blimps.

Sign-up, series, soup and sandwiches

Feeling totally insecure as friends sign up to speak Cantonese, do a 20 hour mindfulness marathon and learn to trade in oil futures (whatever those are). I’m in pyjamas watching endless series while the good people out there are serving soup and making sandwiches. I don’t even have a soup recipe but I assuage my guilt by doing a quick donation of a Checkers voucher.

Whine and Wine

The wine stocks are running a little low and panic sets in. Facebook is full of whining about how ridiculous it is not to be able to buy booze and cigarettes. The Mozambique rum that we found at the back of the cupboard even mixed with Coke doesn’t taste as good as it did with prawns in 1982.

Bad hair and banana bread

I finally got out of my stretch pants to wash my hair grey streaks and all. And horrors – I found a gel nail on the bathroom floor and now the rest are peeling off. I proudly posted my photo of homemade banana bread only to find that I’m not alone and The Kiffness has written a song about the banana bread phase of lockdown.

Fake News and Flour

Sliced white bread has driven me to try and bake focaccia but there is a shortage of yeast and flour. Surely not everyone is trying to be a domestic goddess? An abundance of fake news has driven me in a fury to become the Facebook police. And I’ve finally realised that the Instagram photos of packets of yeast alongside pineapple and sugar explains the yeast shortage.

Zoom and zucchini

Thank goodness for Zoom. I’ve connected with 47 old schoolfriends and it’s taken me a week to learn about the mute button. But I have said no to the 38 different webinars available this week. The box of zucchini delivered by friends has ensured that we never want to eat zucchini again. And I still don’t know how to make soup.

Cleaning and chocolate

With Easter coming up we realized that the dust bunnies under the couches were attempting a great escape and our sneezing has nothing to do with Covid. We were so proud of our cleaning blitz until we saw half of Facebook was filled with pictures of shiny clean kitchens. Now our hoover is broken and the foil from the Easter bunny is hiding under the couch while we sit fatly on top.

Marathons and Microgreens

Don’t you just hate those ridiculous people who post the videos of them running a 56km marathon around their tiny balcony and then do 50 pullups on the doorframe? And as for those greenies who are growing microgreens from their sunflower seeds while making vomit coloured smoothies out of kale – get real privileged people. People out there are starving.

Egg nominations and Omelettes

What makes someone swallow a raw egg, followed by tequila and whisky and then want to post a picture of themselves gagging? We are gagging at the boring food we are lucky enough to be eating and I realise I have reached the depths when I’m proud of an omelette.

The Hot Pie Police and Roast Chicken

We are desperate for takeaways – oh to drive up to Nandos and ask for peri peri and chips. And now dreams of doing that seem to have been taken away by a sniggering minister. But with stories of people hiding in car boots and arrested for smuggling wine, I think I’m happier to be in lockdown at home than in a cell.

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